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Board And Team Dynamics Starts With Emotional Connection in Forbes

Years ago, I was at a board meeting feeling desperate and confused as I listened to some of our board members get into one of their power struggles. Then, I found myself doing the exact same thing.

The success of a board relies on feelings of emotional connection. The science behind emotional connection suggests that we have a need to connect and belong. Through the Board and Team Dynamics Process, a distressed team can move into a more secure bond with one other.

Take Jeff, the CEO of a manufacturing company, who says,“I used to be frustrated and upset all the time. Our board was disengaged and I felt like I was pulling the company all by myself. But now, we are different. We can have our differences, and we can fight, but I know that I can turn to my board and we can create this amazing sense of connection. I know if I need them, they are there for me.”

What Jeff is talking about is what we call an A.R.E. relationship, where the main question in secure bonding, “are you there for me,” is answered with a resounding yes.

A – Are you accessible to me? Can I reach you if I need you?

R– Will you respond to me? Will you respond to me when I call?

E – Will you engage with me? Will you stay emotionally engaged with me?

We are talking about a very special kind of emotional presence that is a powerful safety cue for Jeff’s brain. It’s powerful enough to turn off stress and fear.

If we look at board and team dynamics, there are two tipping points that determine whether you move toward alienation or into a more secure connection:

1. When you realize the team is no longer effective. It’s not safe to share opinions, concerns, or come up with new ideas.

2. When you realize you long for that connection. You want be productive and effective.

How you place your feet at these moments determines how your dynamics unfold.

When experiencing a loss of connection, your brain enters fear of rejection and abandonment. You then experience tunnel vision, and a negative pattern starts to spin out from that.

The most popular negative pattern is “demand-withdraw” where one person says, “You don’t respond to me. How can we work together if you don’t respond to me? I keep sending you email after email and get no response. It feels like you don’t hear me. There is no point for me to keep on trying. I feel like I am wasting my time. I can just leave, you know.”

And the other responds, “Is that right? Well, who can talk to someone who is angry all the time? Have you noticed that you are angry all the time? So if you want to leave, that’s fine.”

Note that angry criticism cues stonewalling and dismissing, while dismissing and stonewalling cues angry criticism. Round and round the cycle goes, and it can go forever.

These team members don’t see that they are creating this negative pattern that pushes them further away from each other.

What do successful people do?

Successful team members start to sense that they are really scaring each other and are able to slow down and tune into what’s happening. They begin to help each other step out of these negative patterns and soothe one another.

Jeff might say, “I think we are getting caught in one of those negative cycles that we talked about. Perhaps, I started the wrong way. Maybe you felt like I was blaming you, but I didn’t mean it to sound like that. Do you think we can try over again? I am hoping we can talk about it so that we both feel safe.”

This type of a response allows for emotional safety. It restores emotional balance. In our work with boards and teams, this type of conversation predicts success. It improves productivity and growth years later. It also predicts how well people deal with threats.

Bonding conversations carry a charge that is powerful enough to light up the New York City skyline. In a bonding conversation, people have to find the courage to share their vulnerabilities while being aware of their fears and their risks. They have to ask for what they need in a way that pulls people closer. When they get a response that meets their need, they create a bonding moment. This kind of interaction allows the brain to turn on the oxytocin, a bonding hormone.

What does a bonding conversation look like?

Jeff says, “It’s really hard for me to talk about this. Some part of me says that you might think I am weak. But the fact of the matter is that in moments like this, I ask myself if I really am a good-enough leader.”

The chairman responds, “Jeff, you are a great leader, and you are doing one hell of a job.”

Nothing grows people like emotional connection. When you have a secure connection with people you depend on, you are healthier in almost every facet of life. We are not just social animals. We are social animals who bond.

Through board and team dynamics, we can honor our nature and improve the most important elements of our corporate culture.

Read article on Forbes